~Proceeding with CAUTION~

I've been doing some thinking lately, the last month in particular, and today even more so about the strange twists and turns life takes. I've said before the only thing certain about life is that everything changes.

Over the last several years I've felt as if I was in a boat on a sea, a boat in which I was not the Captain by any means, just a mere passenger trying to constantly keep the other passengers from falling overboard especially when the storms would hit and the waters would become turbulent. When the sea was calm, I could catch my breath, but I was always holding on waiting for the next storm or worrying about the other passengers forgetting all the while I, too, needed to be worried over now and then. Well, the usual Captain of my boat jumped ship so to speak (it's OK, you can laugh, I am) so now I've been navigating the waters alone for a while! Most people think in this scenario it must be lonely and exhausting now having to navigate and still take care of the passengers, and believe me it is, but standing behind the wheel for the first time in my adult life is also incredibly exhilarating. Where am I going? I'm not really sure. Will I pick up any new passengers along the way, maybe someone to help me steer? I don't know, maybe I'm too afraid of them jumping as well. (Again, please laugh.) I feel like I've at least charted my course and I know I'll have plenty of days and nights of high winds, rough waters, and hopefully some smooth sailing in between and I can see the lighthouse in the distance (which is approximately 1.5 years away) that's keeping me from crashing into the craggy rocks and allowing myself to sink.

Now that you're totally sea sick, the point in this little sailing analogy is to help illustrate my life lately. Everything changes. Nothing ever stays the same. One day you're sailing smoothly, the next day you've crashed and are grasping on for anything to keep you afloat and when you didn't see it coming it really takes you under. That really says it all for me lately. For the most part it's a sunny day right now and I guess I just hate the fact that when something or someone good comes into my life I become cautiously optimistic. I really cannot explain it any further than that right now because I've just tried and I keep deleting most of what I've written! It wouldn't make sense to anyone else, not right now. I don't want to sound jaded; I'm really not. I guess after all I've been through not just in the last couple of years but my life in general and most of you reading this have known me a long time and you know the trials and tribulations I've gotten through, some days I feel more battered than others and so when I start to feel hopeful again, it is a bit scary. No matter how carefully I chart my course, there is still uncharted water out there for me and my knuckles are white as I grasp the wheel tighter. I'm notorious for not always making the right decisions and my biggest fear is going off course especially with my precious cargo on board (i.e. my children). I've always been told if God brings you to it, He'll lead you through it. God, You must trust me a lot. Definitely more so than I trust myself.

On that note, I will sleep with one eye open on the horizon, my life preserver strapped tight, and as this new phase begins in my life with nursing school and clinicals in addition to the other baggage I have onboard, I am proceeding with caution.


Psalms 107:28-30 "Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven."